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Martyr, well

by Ruby Landen

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1.
For an Echo 03:37
You came unannounced From out of nowhere Stayed for a day When I thought you’d said a year Your rivers made me Ashamed of my streams And I wrote you off as a Daydream I’ll be your echo And to you I’ll be bound Won’t look up But you’ll know I’m around When I was seven you poured Water on my hair Unknowingly baptized in an Old wicker chair Read some lines from a book That wasn’t yours And told me that you love me But you’re still keeping score I’ll be your echo And to you I’ll be bound Won’t look up But you’ll know I’m around I’ll pay you back double What you owe me Confused and alone in your Hospitality Can’t get a rise Out of me anymore But I’ll stand here all night Not knowing what for I’ll be your echo And to you I’ll be bound Won’t look up But you’ll know I’m around I’ll be your echo
2.
I’m collecting broken bottles to Decorate my bed And when that night breeze hits, my Skin I’ll gladly shed Build me out of Sticks and concrete Because I can’t find a home In this body If I was better made Would I know my own name? Whispers wander further Than my voice would ever go Echos in a sailboat But the tide comes in too slow Don’t confuse the quiet with the Sound of defeat I just can’t find a home In the words I speak If I was better made Would I know my own name? I look like my mother We’re drawn with the same lines And the burden that is her’s I see Becoming mine I’m afraid to be my father I’m afraid to let him win He couldn’t give a home to the Kid I should’ve been Come and take from me The things that I lack I’m tired of this bag That never hits back If I was better made Would I know my name If I was better made Would I know my own name?
3.
In July 04:55
Back home I hear that things are turned around Pot was legalized and businesses shut down But my mom says She’s doing fine She says she’s happy that I’ve got what I need She hopes my sister will follow my lead But she’s so young She’ll figure it out before me But I’ll be back in July My dad tells me that my brother’s doing well Six months out of prison and it’s like he never fell But I know it’s just a Matter of time But I’ll be back in July There was a while when things just hurt too much And I would tell them it’s too hard to keep in touch But things They feel a little further now But I’ll be back in July Memories that traveled slower than my feet Did eventually catch up to me And I I almost died But I’ll be back in July I’m doing fine here, got things worth fighting for I’ve understood that’s not my home anymore But I’m still going back In July I’ll see them all in July Because I’ll be back in July
4.
Pt. 1 04:52
Was is the bleed of my edges That you couldn’t hold in Or the crumbling bones Hidden under my skin Was it the safety of my patience That made you come undone? Was it my soft outline that Made yours rough Or my endlessness that Wasn’t enough Was I a beginning You could never see? Oh I wish you’d have told me Did you point and laugh At my naked back At my reflection in your mirror That’s old and cracked Or was it just time That you proved me right? Is it the weight of the earth From my grave that you dig Did you tighten your grip Just to lower me in Was it the storm that I lack That made you lose your grasp? Oh I’m too afraid to ask Did my tune that you hummed turn to Dust on your tongue And if I’d been smaller Would you have ever bothered? If id been heavy enough To stop your drifting off Would you still have burnt to ash And left me in your collapse? Was claiming rights to the story your Idea of glory If you’d believed your own words How much worse would this hurt? Did the ground under your feet become Black boundless sea Were the sharks still circling When you woke up from your dream?
5.
Sunsick 04:42
My eyes have been closed since spring And they’ll stay shut until it’s winter again Unwelcome light still gets in Through my own paper eyelids I lost my mind in the white of the sun Undid everything I didn’t need undone Left filling up the holes in my thoughts Made by the heat and my own sense of loss Dizzy, dancing noose The light played tricks Turned yellow sun to blues And I’m sunsick Unforgiving, exposed without grace Blinded by the glare in your face Reduce me to what you are shown Words echoing inside breath and bone Dizzy, dancing noose The light played tricks Turned yellow sun to blues And I’m sunsick I let the garden die Nothing grows in ground this dry Maybe I’ll cut my hair Give the back of my neck some air Dizzy, dancing noose The light played tricks Turned yellow sun to blues And I’m sunsick I’m sunsick My eyes have been closed since spring And they’ll stay shut until it’s winter again
6.
Shelf Life 03:25
7.
Pt. 2 04:28
You picked up What I put down Didn’t ask for it But took it anyhow Forgot how much My own body weighed Can’t remember having Anything interesting to say I can’t afford to buy Back the time that used to be on my side Because I’ve already paid And I’ve got nowhere else to stay I’ll sleep tonight in the bed I’ve made Left handed guitar And a shovel under one arm Said I’d better get An early start But I’ve been digging Since we met Haven’t hit anything Solid yet I can’t afford to buy Back the time that used to be on my side Because I’ve already paid And I’ve got nowhere else to stay I’ll sleep tonight in the bed I’ve made Been calling myself names I’d never call you You said so much about her Started to miss her too I want a chapter A part in the story The things that you made yours Aren’t mine anymore I can’t afford to buy Back the time that used to be on my side Because I’ve already paid And I’ve got nowhere else to stay I’ll sleep tonight in the bed I’ve made I can’t afford to buy Back the time that used to be on my side Because I’ve already paid And I’ve got nowhere else to stay I’ll sleep tonight in the bed I’ve made
8.
That band he showed me It smelled like his hair And I kept on listening Long after he wasn’t there I skinned my knuckles Trying to hold on And burned my fingertips on that Same fucking song And none of it was mine I’ve moved myself from on cliche To another And I still can’t figure out If it’s worth all the bother To stay still long enough That your roots start to take Just to be ripped out again And put on display And none of it was mine Nothing to my name No wealth for him to claim I left it all behind ‘Cause none of it was mine I’ve never said enough Without saying too much Words don’t belong to me You can look but you can’t touch I didn’t ask for anything Out of fear But still he gave me a glimpse Only to disappear And he was never mine Nothing to my name No wealth for him to claim I left it all behind ‘Cause none of it was mine That band he showed me Smelled like his hair And I kept on listening Long after he wasn’t there And none of it was mine
9.
Self Help 03:49
I’m not the woman My dad wanted me to be He thought I was special For listening to jazz and not watching tv But I’m not a poet I can only replicate And I’m not your friend I’ve just learned to simulate I’ll never read that self help book she gave me But I won’t hesitate to tell you exactly what you need And I’m not your daughter Won’t look after you when you’re old But I’ll still take those guitars you saved me As your skin grows cold The spite that made me cool Was only a summer flame Burnt by the setting sun Didn’t know how to play your game I should take up smoking, I’m obsessive enough Why take care of my health if I don’t mind dying young But they scared me with their stories One drag and your dead So I pretended not to notice Mom lighting up behind the shed Every cigarette Makes her hate herself a little bit But I can go tonight without drinking So I don’t have a problem yet I danced in your reflection and you did the same in mine You made me in your image but it’s your version I don’t mind I don’t mind You called me a martyr, well Maybe you had a point Held my hand out to you But couldn’t keep myself upright But where’s the satisfaction That comes with being better? I just hate that I loved you When to you I didn’t matter

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released August 27, 2021

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Ruby Landen Brooklyn, New York

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